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Rantings of a Curious Fae
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[26 Nov 2009|09:14pm] |
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mood |
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 it's funny, really it is |
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hahahaha I just remembered the dodos from Ige Age:
Doom On You! Doom On You! Doom on You!
That's now going around my head ad infinitum.
Well, if everything is going tits up then I can at least keep my sense of ridiculousity, right?
Or not? Ah crap...
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[26 Nov 2009|08:57pm] |
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 scared |
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i have a bad feeling. i'm worried. it's been following me around all week. a sense of impending doom is a sympton of sepsis... but since i'm not dead yet, maybe rather than doom i'll just get a minor irritation, or inconvinience, somewhere along the lines?
it didn't help today that somebody read me my horoscope, which said that terrible things were afoot.
i don't believe in horoscopes, but it's not a very nice thing to hear nonetheless.
something bad is going to happen :(
I really really hope it doesn't
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| More livejournal babble. |
[22 Nov 2009|09:48pm] |
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mood |
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a wee bit freaked out |
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Just watched a film with creepy decapitated dolls heads, which means I'll likely be sleeping with the light on tonight... I'm so dumb :)
Plan for the week:
Firstly, and most importantly, catch up on uni work.
Secondly, and also very importantly, start revision for exams.
Also need to sort my hair out (for the love of humanity, Sarah, please get it cut! it's looking increasingly like there has been an albino bushbaby electrocuted on top of your head).
AND need to buy a parking permit. And need to sort out my gym membership afore all my monies are lost to some high and mighty fitness institution which I never even attend anyway. And I need to set up a student bank account before I run out of overdrafts. Oh, and must not forget to pay the rent either. Or the bills, for that matter. Must also join the nursing bank to get a job. Any job; even if I end up doing HCA work on night shifts till christmas eve. Working christmas even is actually looking more and more appealing as my funds swiftly dwindle into a pile of debit statements and angry banking letters. There have not actually been any yet, but it's the kind of thing that is want to crop up in my nightmares, along with driving up vertical hills* and finding whole bottles of gin inside my frontal lobe after a giant pokemon-esque bird-of-prey has pecked away my cranium**.
One day i will hire a team of crack-psychiatrist (as in good ones, not shrinks on crack) and hypnotists and cognitive therapists and anybody else willing to prescribe strong sedatives. Then they, in all their combined genius, shall cure me of all my ridiculous fears. I shall become fearless, a lion-hearted girl, able to strut confidently through a pitch black room, filled with sharks and dolls and pokemons, at a really steep angle! And I shall laugh triumphantly: hah haa hah hah haha!
*I am terrified of driving up really steep hills and have often recurring nightmares about having to do so, which become increasing more up as I drive along until they are actually at a niety degree angle to the road I started on. I generally wake up in tears, occassionally to find that I have twisted myself around on the bed so that my head is hanging off the wrong end.
**Another recurring dream, though far more infrequent, that is able to reduce me to tears in my sleep; apparently I have deep running issues revolving around gin and pokemon.
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[21 Nov 2009|10:16pm] |
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 blah |
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Oh I suppose I'll just carry on then.
( it's the end of the world as we know it (oooh ooooh oooh) )
In more mundane but no-less-important matters, I have escaped to the country (or rather, suburbs) for the weekend, since it is Mummy's birthday. I came home via ![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif) ooh_la_lara's placey place; we had dinner and talked and did not an awful lot but enjoyed each other's company nonetheless.
She has got herself a hobby. I am quite jealous, seems like most everybody has gotten themselves a hobby these days - whether it be ballroom dancing, kayaking, rollerblading, running... I feel rather left out. The obvious solution woould be, of course, to join in on some hobbies, but it's awfully hard to find something I enjoy enough to stick at for any length of time. I'm notoriously terrible at maintaining an interest in anything for very long - clubs, activities, even people get boring after a while. Naturally with teh exception of those who don't, who invariably become my very good friends. I guess I just have not found anything I really like yet.
My other equally lame excuse as to Why I Cannot Foster A Hobby is, unsurprisingly and very unoriginally, time constraints. Is it a terrible terrible lie to say that I just haven't the time to fit in a hobby? Probably, but I will justify myself in any case. Medicine is a rather demanding course. I cannot reliably commit myself to a period of time at the same point in every week; although I can predict to be in lectures from nine till five most every day, we get our weekly timetables every monday, and until then I never know which evenings will be taken up by additional lectures or community and GP visits. Inbetween lectures I have to fit ideally an extra four hours study every single day. We don't get time off for exams. We don't get mid-term holidays. On top of the course, I need to work whatever bank shifts I can to earn some monies to float my somewhere in the middle of my overdraft. That takes up a lot of end-of-term holiday time, and a little inbetween.
So study and work, and the time which is left over is usually taken up by the whole having friends thing. Which is a bugger because it would be so much easier if I didn't have any; I could take up a hobby, for instance.
Okay I'm really babbling now about bugger all. I'm going to bed.
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[21 Nov 2009|06:39pm] |
I *think* I just got given the 'it's not you, it's me' line.
What a novelty! I'm not even sure that the context is typical; it's not a case of 'let's never see each other again' given that it was followed up by a 'hope to see you next week' instead. Which is a little unorthodox I think, and makes it a bit odd to respond to.
Normally I could just point out that I already know it is not me. What a silly consideration! How could it be me? I am wonderful! Amazing! Fabby mcFabberson. Brillo pads. That is me, and how could you possibly dream for even a single moment that it could be that I am the source of un problem? It is evidently not the case, obvious that the only possible alternative explanation is that in fact it truly IS you, and not me. That appears to make the most logical kind of sense.
Then I should laugh heartily at their funny little ways, congratulating them on their little joke that they could possibly cause any ounce of upset to me, who is just so far above and beyond their consideration, their potential, their ability, their very person-ness... that truly it is difficult to even care, in the same way that one does not bother to care about ants, or beetles, or fireflies, or anything else so insignificant.
After which I suspect I would run away. Cry in a corner whilst trying to rescue all the ants and fireflies and beetles that might perchance my way.
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[19 Nov 2009|08:31pm] |
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mood |
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 blobby mcblobberson |
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super unwell yesterday, missed my patient visit because I sort of passed out-ish at the bus stop. I don't think I fainted, only one moment I was standing up thinking that my vision was going blurry, the next moment I was sat on the pavement with some nice guy saying I could sit inside his shop for a moment, then I called Mummy and cried down the phone at her saying I didn't know how to get home and I really wanted to go to this visit I had organised because it was important for my case study and I felt horrible and like I wanted to throw up and pass out all at once. I was all clammy and gross too. Icky.
So I absconded my bicycle and toddled home, pausing every three feet to look ghastly and wallow in self pity against a wall before toddling onwards.
And then slept all afternoon, so now I'm super behind on my studies because yesterday was meant to be a study day and it wasn't at all. Boo hiss.
But I feel better today. A guy from uni I had gone to lunch with the day before was pretty sick yesterday too, so we figured it was the horrible food we ate, or a mutual bug, or just sucks to be us days.
But today I am feeling extraordinarily LARGE. Big big me. Wobble bobble wibble bibble. When I move I am shifting continents of adipose; I am the epitome of WIDE and fully representative of CHUBBY. I wish chubby looked as cute as it sounds. But it doesn't, it's just vaguely repulsive and not very fun.
BUT on the bright side at least I have done a wee bit of work. If I have to be fat, at least I can be fat and productive! Most excellent.
I want somebody to find me a copy of the book written by some Polish (or possibly french?) guy who wrote an entire book without the letter E. It's called something like The Disappearence. I forget exactly. I know he is/ was a part of the weird but amazing literary club that writes according to random rules like that. I shall investigate. Yesum.
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[09 Nov 2009|02:57pm] |
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monday monday monday monday monday today I drove to London from Farnham because I was too lazy to catch a train last night, and since Mummy needed to drive up here anyways she offered to go extra early with me. So have been up and awake since too early this morning. And now I'm kinda bored. Have a shedload of work to do as per usual. May start some soon. May ignore it. May just see what happens :)
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[08 Nov 2009|11:43am] |
I saw fireworks. They went BOOM! Flash Bang Pop Crackle BOOM BOOM Crackle Fizz Pop Bang. And so on.
I gluff fireworks. I like the really loud one best, that sound like a whole cannon has just gone off, and I like the annoying screamy screechy ones that are funny because they're so annoying, and I like the BIGGEST round ones that go bang (not boom) and go everywhere.
I'm chilling out at my parents house this weekend; needed a break from London so have escaped to more rural climes, at least until tomorrow when I has to go back to uni. It's good to be home. It's as though nothing really applies here - everything that has been swimming around my mind and everything and everybody that has been causing drama is so irrelevant so long as I am at home. Stuff to be reclaimed on return to Londontown, but not until tomorrow.
Eep, I think I'm burning the lunch, must run to rescue it.
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[04 Nov 2009|08:20pm] |
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mood |
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 drinkie drinkie? |
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will somebody please pleeease pretty please take me out for a glass of wine? Maybe three? Right now? That would be nice, thankingyouvairmuch.
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[03 Nov 2009|10:38pm] |
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also, feeling inheritly unattractive right now. can't help but get a little emo about it all. keep asking myself what's wrong with me and then coming up with many many answers. all with excruciating detail on exactly where and how and why for every mistake, every lifestyle aspect, every thought, even. and now i'm sitting here feeling really quite ugly both inside and out. i am sure i used to like myself... i was sure that i still do. or maybe i just made that up; one of the self-lies that all the health experts recommend we tell ourselves lest we realise just how dire things have become and how unimportant and not-at-all-special we really are. i really am. my life really is. sigh, disable comments, go to bed.
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[03 Nov 2009|10:13pm] |
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mood |
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blah |
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I'm a bit all over the place this week. Brain wont stay still.
Brain, SIT.
It runs; I follow.
I'm sure this is not the kind of relationship a girl should have with herself.
Am also suffering from Too Much Fun at the weekend, it's going to take me a while to recover all my faculties, which is not really that helpful when trying to get my head around immunology. And the conversing thing has sort of gone as well, about all I can manage are some nods, some headsakes, and the occasional mumbled half sentance of medical jargon and conjunctions to at least show that I'm trying.
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[01 Nov 2009|07:52pm] |
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bunny bunny!
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[28 Oct 2009|08:29pm] |
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mood |
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 shocked |
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My boobs have grown! Seriously, they have grown overnight.
At first I thought it was just me imagining things, but then my oh-so-charming housemate was staring at me oddly for a while afore he asked me whether my "tits have gotten bigger" or perhaps I was wearing some kind of industrial, push up, ultra-padded bra? Which I wasn't.
I'm not sure why this merits a livejournal post other than because I am ever so slightly weirded out by it. Why would they get bigger? Why now? I don't like it! Really, I'd rather they were a wee bit smaller, please. It's just weird.
Has somebody been slipping oestrogens into my drinks?
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| In which Sarah has H1N1, aka Swine 'flu |
[28 Oct 2009|12:53pm] |
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mood |
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lazy |
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I was enjoying this morning, I was sleeping but just aware enough to realise that I was in fact cosy (in a rocket) in bed asleep, even if my dreams were centred around the fascia of the perineum and the relative positions of the broad and round ligaments to their meso-whatsit membranous attachments.
Then I was awakened by a loud phone call informing me that my swabs had come back H1N1 positive (which, put like that, makes it sound like I've some kind of horrible STI, but is in fact swine flu,nothing more sinister). At first I thought that it was a ridiculous extension of my dreams but then woke up enough to realise that there was in fact a real person on the other end of the line.
So I called the university to let them know. The conversation went something along the lines of:
Me: Hi, my GP just informed me that my swabs came back positive for swine flu, so I thought I ought to let you know though I am feeling much bet-
Them: swineflu? STAY IN YOUR HOUSE. DO NOT MOVE FROM WHERE YOU ARE!
Me [now frozen midstep across the room]: um... okay,but really I'm bet-
Them: I must speak to GAVIN! He knows what to do, he is the Swine Flu Epidemic Director for St Georges, hold on there! Don't move!
Me: ... uh....
[there are some sounds of scurrying and consultation at the other end; I'm leaning into a slow topple wondering if I can put my foot down yet]
Them: okay... so... *ahem* what is your name?
So I managed eventually to tell them that I was sick last week, tha I'm feeling much better now, just a little post-viral tiredness, but I thought I ought to inform them and also needed to ask about extenuating circmstance for Friday's exam.
They continued to stress the importance of not leaving the house, although, after three phone calls with as many different people, finally conceded that I was not actually infectious at this point in time. Nonetheless, so long as I was still feeling tired I would be signed off for all lectures and visits this week, and was to inform them on Friday morning if I felt well enough to sit the exam.
I have been thoroughly told off, however, for attending lectures and tutorials all of last week. I took one day off when I was feeling absolutely ghastly, but didn't dare miss anything more than that. I apologised profusely, explaining that I really wasn't suspecting Swine 'flu, to which they replied somewhat resignedly that the damage had already been done and I had contributed to the spread of an epidemic disease across their university.
Sorry borry.
So now I am quite needlessly quarantined at home for today and tomorrow. Of course I'll attend the exam on Friday, even if I am feeling a wee bit peaky still. And really I would have loved to use the excuse to skive all of last week, but I wasn't that sick, figured I had a viral chest infection that was making me feel run down.
I do feel bad for anybody else that I've made sick though, seems my uni peers are all okay, or else have already had swine flu, which was likely my source of contagion. I may have made one or two people sick with it however, who have been complaining of feeling a bit crud since hanging around with me last week. Oopsie.
Needless to say I am so freakin' bored right now. I've revised my pelvic and aural anatomy and watched all of the Aclan's videos on the virtual learning site. Asides from that I've also read half a book and tidied the entirety of the ground floor of the house, which wore me out a bit to be honest, so I guess i am a little more fatigued than I realised. I'm tempted to head down to the high street to try find something halloweeny to wear at the weekend, though I probably shouldn't, given that my energy levels are pretty sucky and I've not really any funds to spare on such fripperies.
Ahaha, an amusing word, fripperies.
Instead I guess I'll pass the time watching Terry Gilliam films whilst pretending to read some textbooks.
Funtimes!
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[26 Oct 2009|06:15pm] |
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mood |
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 shut up brain! |
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Have decided I am defo going to get a Canon DSLR. I'm not sure wich one, so am taking my parents with me to Tottenham Court Road to play around with a few in the shops. It will likely be the case that my choice comes largely down to budget; my parents are making a contribution for a conjoined Christmas and birthday present, then the rest is up to me. I'd like to be able to afford a second lens (I'm banking on getting a standard zoom lens with the camera itself) and I've seen a super fun looking telephoto lens which I'd absolutely love to get, though I suspect I'll have to put it on the wishlist for christmas 2010 and make do with what I get till then.
I was planning on spending quite a bit on the camera itself, on the basis that it'll be an investment and life long blah blah. Except that then I realised that actually the camera will be usurped pretty quickly in terms of quality and price and whatnot, perhaps not as quickly as a compact but nonetheless there will soon be better DSLR's out there. AND I figure that I really will want to be able to play around with different lenses, which should be transferable to other camera models anyway, and thereby almost better value for money than the camera itself.
In the meantime I have stolen (with permission, although I am quite sure I have been holding on to it far too long now) a Canon 40d which is pretty and shiny and costs far more than I can afford, so I am rather spoiling myself for a trial period.
I like taking photos of people. Not in a creepy way, honest. I like photos of most things that move or have expressions or that tell a story. I like stories.
Argh! Seriously, having major issues updating this freakin' journal because the damn box keeps moving around! Poppety pop shift spasm pop. Keep STILL damn you!
So freakin' annoying. Pnnoying. hahahaha.
It is probably the Livejournal Gods telling me to bugger off and get some work done, instead of pissing about blogging about boring stuff like camera's and whatnot. Piss and bugger. I have a potty mouth today, naughty naughty.
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[24 Oct 2009|05:47pm] |
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mood |
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bored |
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I am so so so bored of revision.
Not that I've even done very much; mostly just stared at my notes willing them to transform into some beautiuful, readily absorbable matrix of intellect which may be suitably applied to any aspect of examination.
So far no luck, but perseverence is meant to be a great quality to have.
In the meantime I have easily procrstinated my time away. I spent a while reading every single review on Steve's Humane Mousetraps website, then also his sister site: Steve's Walking for Weightloss. Genius man to have about; clearly has a solution for every tricky situation. THEN I checked the weather in every major city in a direct(ish) latitudinal line from London, worked out what I would need to pack for each of them and checked which had the cheapest flights as well as the most accessible should I be on the run at the time I should catch them. Then a handy text from ooh_la_lara had me googling first aid for dogs, recommended practices and What Not To Do with a Dog Emergency. Then I drew myself a miniature certificate to congratulate myself for now being able to conduct a Dog Rescue 101. After which I came ever so slightly close to doing some real work by picking random pages in my medical dictionary and seeing if I knew what all the words meant. That only lasted two pages before I realised that I was evidently too dorky to live any longer, or possibly had gone rather insane. I juged that an insane person would be devoid of sills of dexterity and balance, and promptly tried to prove to myself that I was nt at all mad because I could balance very nicely standing on my space hopper. Until I fell off, that is.
Since then I've done everything possbly useful to anybody, including tuning my guitar, taking a meter reading (which I have forgotten so shall have to do again later), cleaning the kitchen, doing some washing, composing a letter to Cadbury to congratulate them on their masterful collection of chocolate which I Could Not Decide Between when I popped down to Tesco earlier. That kind of stuff.
Debating whether or not to TRY do an evening of studying, or if I should just give up now and go to the pub.
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[21 Oct 2009|01:47pm] |
Inner diplomat takes over and makes peace.
One day I'lll get as far into a disagreement as to actually disagree with somebody, rather than just ranting about it in my livejournal.
Then I'll probably instantly regret it and spend the following ten minutes trying to take back whatever it was I said, whilst flagellating myself for being such a knob and being just like everybody else in the world who doesn't know when to just say sorry.
This may have happened once or twice already.
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[21 Oct 2009|01:02pm] |
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 confused |
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Trying really hard to get the balance right. Not going too well. I think I've upset people (by whom I mean my housemate) by not spending enough time with them. I've upset myself by not spending enough time on work. And if I chose to spend time on work, well, that's just not fair becuase I had enough time to see So-and-So or had enough time to do this so why can't I spend time with them?
Which is a fair and valid point from a neglected perspective, it's just a little tricky to rectify without completely sacrificing studying. I can't study ALL the time, but neither can I always get to see everybody in the time that I have off. And it isn't so much a matter of choosing who to spend it with, I'm not even that organised, it ends up being who happens to be in the right place at the right time, and more often then not everybody loses out because I'm trying to claim back some me-time.
I thought I was doing okay at my whole time managing thing, but apparently not doing very well at all.
Stupid stupid stupid.
Why can't I have other things in my life without jealousy and resentment? I really thought my housemate would be happy for me... I'm sure she is, it's just hard to see when she's getting cross with me, I've even lost track of why she is cross with me. I have given up trying to explain myself because there is always something else that it wrong, or a reason why what I'm saying can't be the case, to the point where the conversation becomes so twisted and convoluted that it isn't about what I have or have not done anymore, it's about who can carry on till the last and thereby win through virtue of being the stroppiest.
I hate it when she's cross with me, I feel like some kind of evil backstabbing ungrateful little sod that has taken everything and everybody for granted. And I feel guilty for preferring to stay in and guilty for spending time by myself. But mostly just sad because she's upset and I don't know what to do about it.
Bluh.
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[19 Oct 2009|09:57pm] |
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mood |
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 is cold in this house |
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Five lobs* this week?
AHAHAHAHA! Medical school is a DODDLE!
Well, except for last weeks lobs (wot I ain't done 'cos I woz sick like), revision from the last six weeks, preparation for the skills and anatomy sessions this week, and a few other bits and pieces to be done.
I have many antibiotics for my poor chest, which I have not been very kind to; bringing it to grubby dirty London, making it smoke too many cigarettes, dosing and doping with ventolin and steroids to tide things over.
I also have a BRAND NEW BLUE JUMPER. It is blue. I like it very muchly. It is new.
It is the first new thing I've had in aaages, or what feels like ages, although that is a bit of a fib because I spent a whole nine squiddlies on a pair of badly needed shoes last weekend. And that felt like a lot of money. But this is really new and really shiny and I didn't pay a penny! No I didn't steal it you knobs, I asked my Mummy very nicely. Or I didn't, she noticed that I was looking a bit cabbage-patch lately and decided I needed some new clothes. How lucky I am to have a Mummy that comes to my school twice a week (she teachers there... and no that's not why I got in you scumbuggers, I got in before she even got the post and we move in completely different circles anyway)
I had a letter from the Student Loans Peeps. They said they WILL give me monies, they just don't know when. But at least I know that I'll be getting some, which is a big step in the right direction. Money money money here I come. Arrears arrears arrears there you go!
Ta Da!
I've not had an alcoholic beverage in over twentyfour hours, and I'm quite proud of this. I've given up drinking until Thursday, which is when Evertron (Mighty Megabot) are playing a boring UEFA match which will need some cheering for.
On another note, apparently I am having my own mini-Mercury retrograde. My browser can't seem to keep still, and my phone can't stop phoning people. Perhaps not Mercury then, as really there is an EXCESS of communication going on. Perhaps somebody who is better at planetary strops can come up with a better explanation.
*LObs: learning objectives. We get a case study, we brainstorm a la House stylee, we generate learning objectives from all the stuff we don't know, we learn them over the following three days before we get the next section of the case study. Learning by stories, people. By stories.
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[16 Oct 2009|08:23pm] |
I don't really know what's going on. I'm just making a big muddle out of everything.
Interesting.
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